Los Hermanos

I’m trying to kill as many birds as possible this weekend by systematically knocking long-time lurkers off my “to-eat” list. Not literally killing birds, of course. Well, kind of. Los Hermanos did serve me, like, an entire chicken. So maybe.

I wish I wish I wish I had done my research on this place. It has good reviews, and, like I said, it has been on my list for months. I had every opportunity to case it when we ate at Mi Cuba…or Thip Khao…or Bún...but I couldn’t even be bothered to look at it. I spent all week scoping out the online menu and narrowing down my options. And then we walked in, and it was just a glorified cafeteria line.

The staff was friendly and eager to please. They were agreeable when I asked to modify my “meat, rice, and side” plate. They bent over backwards to give me all the hot sauces. But come on now:

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I had mangú, veggies, and a plate that was half-and-half goat and chicken. I’ll be honest: the chicken was pretty good, though bony. The goat was tender from the stew liquid but kind of bland. Also bony. The pork and beef on my family’s plates were pretty good, especially the beef dishes, which were flavorful and mostly edible. But the veggies on my plate were definitely frozen. The mashed plantain was like a vegan tried to make mashed potatoes. The worst of all time? Possibly. The yuca was… boiled?! What the actual fuck? Yes, please, give me your most flavorless root vegetable and also cook it in the most flavorless method possible, k thanks! And, as I’ve previously established, rice is rice is rice. Nobody can make rice that tastes any better than anyone else’s rice. Rice sucks. QED. Also, the salsas came from big jars.

Here’s what I don’t get: their website’s menu lists all kinds of stuff that was nowhere to be found: Dominian sausage, pechuga a la plancha, camarones al ajillo, and mofongo. I was so excited to try any and all of these specialties but instead I was stuck with Dominican school lunch.

To top it all off, my father-in-law asked for a cerveza but Los Hermanos no tienen una licensia de licores. Major bummer.

Here are some more pictures of mediocre cafeteria food:

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If you can tell the difference between any of the meats on our plates, then sir, you are a better man than I.

Price: I don’t even know because prices aren’t listed anywhere. I’m going to guess $10-15 per person.

Bottom line: I’m trying hard to imagine a scenario in which it would be appropriate to visit this establishment. Maybe if there was a nuclear holocaust and Los Hermanos was the only restaurant that survived and you had a hard day at work and just don’t want to cook tonight. Maybe then you could justify coming here.

Update: Given that at least two of us have suffered from isolated tummy issues in the last 16 hours, I’d advise everyone to just stay away.

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